Bad Romance
by KilroyWasHere
Summary: Schuyler feels trapped and alone without her true love, Jack Force. Can the fates intervene to bring these two star crossed lovers together? J/S, of a kind. Warning: This is a parody, meant to  gently  mock the J/S relationship.


**I couldn't take it any more. I'm sorry. Only Frank belongs to me. **

Schuyler skipped down the hallway. As she skipped, her long ebony locks flowed around her face and her sexy yet delicate body, causing several people to stop and stare at the indescribable beauty gracing their presence. Then, several ravens flew in the window and began to circle her while singing in their rough voices. Their black feathers fell around her like rain, creating a soft carpet upon which she could set her tiny dancer's feet, shod in the latest shoes from Dolce & Gabanna.

Even though Schuyler was skipping, she was desperately sad. A hole had been torn in her young heart. Jack, Jack Force, Benjamin Force, Benjamin 'Blackjack' Force, was in love with another. Unable to stand the thought of Jack not being hers, Schuyler dismissed the ravens as a diamond tear fell down her porcelain cheek, hanging in the air like a jewel before splashing on the floor.

The ravens, meanwhile, flew out the window and into the courtyard, setting off a mild panic among the students of Duchesne, who thought they'd somehow wandered into a Hitchcock film, and creating quite a mess for the Duchesne maintenance team to deal with later.

But back to Schuyler.

Schuyler sighed inwardly as her best friend for life, Oliver Hazard-Perry, approached her with a hopeful smile on his face. Oliver had stood by her through thick and thin, and every other degree of thickness in between. He listened when she talked, stood by her through all her trials and tribulations, and even let her drink his blood.

But she couldn't love him.

Her love belonged to Jack, Jack Force, Benjamin Force, Benjami—

"Schuyler?"

"Oh. Yes, Ollie? Did you need something?" Schuyler stared at him with her wide blue eyes, but she wasn't really seeing him. She was seeing eyes as green as the greenest grass on the first evening of summer, when the dew was quivering on the trees and the lawn was dotted with violets and the moon was shimmering overhead as fireflies danced delicately over the field.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie with me tonight."

Schuyler glanced down, perfect white teeth biting her soft ruby red lip. "Oliver…I don't love you. I'll never love you—at least not as much as I love…" she gulped. Saying his name was too painful, like a thousand razors were running slowly over every inch on her body, spilling her blood until she was empty and there was nothing left.

Oliver's eyes widened, and Schuyler tried not to feel guilty. "Oh. That's…that's alright." He sighed and glanced down. "I kind of suspected, given the way you wrote Jack's name all over your notebooks and binders. And my notebooks and binders. And Bliss's notebooks and binders. And the fact that you've been rearranging all your food into hearts with 'J 3 S' written in the middle."

"Oh." Schuyler said. She'd thought she'd been subtle.

"But it's okay." Oliver said. He gave her a kind smile. He was the kindest boy who had ever lived. "I support your decision 100%. "

"Great!" Schuyler said. She smiled and linked her skinny, black-clad arm through his. "Let's get lunch."

They wandered down to the cafeteria, skillfully dodging all the people—especially boys—who fell to the ground in shock at the sight of Schuyler. They were used to it by now.

In the cafeteria, Schuyler froze, her stiletto coming down hard of Oliver's foot and breaking his toe. There he was. Jack, Jack Force, Benjamin Force, Benjamin 'Blackjack' Force. She sighed and slipped free of Oliver's embrace, ignoring the way he staggered and almost fell from the pain in his broken toe.

Jack was sitting at one of the tables with a full tray of food in front of him, but he wasn't eating. He was staring down at his plate, his golden-yellow-topaz hair obscuring his beautiful face. Schuyler wondered if he felt the pain of their separation as sharply as she did, like someone had taken an industrial-sized backhoe, dug a hole in her heart, and replaced it with a complex, multi-city sewer system which quickly filled with the waste and refuse of the starving populace.

But that was probably just Schuyler.

Before Schuyler knew what she was doing, she was approaching Jack's table, her killer shoes shattering the toes of several innocent bystanders as she made her way towards her one true love.

Just before she reached him, an iron-clad fist shot out and gripped her lithe arm, stopping her in her tracks and saving the toes of Charlene Crenshaw, a freshman who was too caught up in her spring roll to see the deadly stiletto approaching.

Schuyler looked up and found herself staring into the face of her enemy, Madeleine "Mimi" Force.

Basically, Mimi was a bitch. That's all you need to know about her.

Mimi smiled down at Schuyler, her teeth gleaming silver in the florescent light of the cafeteria. "And just where are we going, Little Miss Half Blood?"

Schuyler quivered with anger at Mimi's cruel words. "It's none of your business, Mimi." She said, clamping down on her anger so hard she almost bit through her lip, which was already blood red, so it's not as if anyone would have noticed.

"You better stay away from Jack." Mimi hissed. "He wants nothing to do with you, do you understand? You're only going to hurt him."

Schuyler's eyes narrowed. How dare Mimi accuse Schuyler of stealing Jack? It wasn't as if Mimi even understood him. After all, he and Mimi had only pretended to be in love for the thousand years they'd been together. Schuyler, who had known Jack for all of four months, could see his heart and soul in a way Mimi, his celestial twin, who'd bonded with him in Heaven, could never understand.

"Duck!" Bliss Llewellyn appeared out of nowhere and dragged both girls down as a flock of Contradictions flew overhead. There'd been quite an epidemic of them at the school for the past few weeks, with not a single one in sight for days.

Mimi waited until Bliss disappeared into thin air, then resumed glaring at Schuyler. "You'd better back off, you little bitch, or someone's going to get—"

"No, YOU better back off, Mimi." Schuyler gasped and looked up at her savior. It was Jack, Jack Force, Benjamin Force, Benjamin 'Blackjack' Force. After shoving his sister rudely aside, Jack turned to look at Schuyler, and as she tilted her head up, their eyes met.

Sapphire and Emerald fireworks exploded all over the cafeteria, and Schuyler found she couldn't breath, the oxygen sucked out of the lungs at the sight of him, her one true love. Around her, students threw themselves under the tables in an attempt to escape the flaming projectiles, but she only had eyes for Jack, Jack Force, Benjamin Force, Benjamin 'Bla—

"Schuyler." She refocused her attention on his perfect mouth as he spoke to her. "Schuyler, I love you more than Romeo loved Juliet, more than Pyramus loved Thisbe, more than Edward loved Bella."

Schuyler's face puckered in an adorable frown as she processed his words. "But Jack, Romeo and Juliet and Pyramus and Thisbe were teenagers who fell in love at first sight and then rushed off to get married without bothering to get to know each other at all, placing their families in danger and almost setting off a civil—oh. I see what you mean." Then she glanced around, puzzled. "And who are Edward and Bella? Do they go here?"

"Never mind." Jack said quickly. He took a deep breath, ignoring all their classmates as they tried to triage the victims of the firework attack and put out the errant flames. "Schuyler, I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago, something I should have done the first time I saw you, after I tried to commit suicide by throwing myself in front of a taxi, endangering the innocent passengers and the driver with my indestructible body." He smiled, dazzling her, and then as Schuyler watched, large sapphire eyes filling with tears, Jack pulled out a small blue box and knelt before her.

"Schuyler Van Alen, will you marry me?"

Schuyler gasped, trying to control her tears as they overflowed and poured down her cheeks, soaking her black halter-top. "Jack…we can't be together. You know that. You're Mimi's twin. You're supposed to be bonded. I won't let you kill yourself for me!"

Jack opened his mouth to respond, to argue, to tell her that a few moments of happiness on her lips were worth more than a thousand lifetimes, when a beautiful sound filled the air, distracting him from what he'd been planning on saying.

The melody grew, filling the whole cafeteria, and the students all smiled at one another, even the ones who were bleeding to death from horrible burns.

Just as the song reached a note of unbearable cliché, a girl stepped out from behind a fallen table.

Little white birds circled her head, and fluffy kittens ran laps around her feet. She was lithe and graceful, yet the shimmering white sword she held in her hand bespoke an inner strength. Her hair, which fell in waves down her back, was black, but as she stepped into the late afternoon sunlight, Schuyler saw it shimmered with hidden streaks of violet and gold and crimson. She wore tight black pants and knee-high pirate boots that were even more deadly that Schuyler's stilettos. She had a tight red shirt that laced up the front, perfectly framing her heaving bosom.

She came closer, and as she walked amongst the students they were magically healed. As she came up to Jack and Schuyler, they saw that her eyes were two different colors. One was puce and the other was burgundy, and they swirled with hidden depth and wisdom. She looked at Jack and Schuyler and smiled, showing off perfect white teeth. Then everyone gasped in awe as she arched her back and a pair of glittering golden wings appeared.

"Who…who are you?" Jack asked.

She directed her gaze towards him, fluttering thick eyelashes. "I am Melaina Adella Rose Yasmine Skysong Unity Elenaia." They all stared. "But you can call me Frank."

"Oh…hello, Frank." Schuyler said. "What are you doing here?"

"A minute ago, Schuyler Van Alen, you said that you and Abaddon couldn't be together." She smiled benevolently down at them. "I'm here to tell you that you're wrong."

"What?" Jack gasped. He couldn't believe it. How could Frank be right?

"It's true." Frank said. "You see, my name might be Melaina Adella Rose Yasmine Skysong Unity Elenaia, but in truth I am Bhanupriya—the Angel of Love. I am the guardian of all the true bonds."

"What do you mean, the true bonds?" Jack asked. In his chest, his heart fluttered like a trapped bird that knew it was going to be eaten by the hungry tabby watching it demonically outside its cage.

"You see, Abaddon, long ago, long before the wars and the violence and the Fall, souls twinned in Heaven. They were two people who loved each other truly and deeply, who understood that love goes far beyond the everyday passions, and so they entered long, loving relationships. But that was a load of bullshit. You and Schuyler are meant to be together, Jack—just look at all the deep, meaningful conversations you've had. You are destined to be united as one, and to bring about the end of the threat of the Silver Bloods. Your strength and love will not be broken by time or trial, and you will stand together, strong, to defeat your enemies. They will fall under the strength and love of your bond."

"Wait." Jack said. "That sounds and awful lot like my bond with Mimi."

"I know." Frank said, shrugging, causing golden dust to rain down from her wings. "Odd, isn't it?"

"Oh well." Jack said, turning to Schuyler and smiling. "I don't really care, as long as it means I get to be with Ga—I mean Schuyler, my one true love."

"That's the spirit." Frank said, as Schuyler smiled up at him, lost in his loving gaze. "Farewell now, Abaddon and Schuyler. Take my blessing with you." She leaned forward and kissed first Schuyler and then Jack on the cheek before disappearing in a cloud of purple prose, taking the birds and all but one of the kittens with her. It went over and curled up in the corner, licking its little paws.

"You know what this means?" Schuyler said, touching Jack's arm. He was staring after Frank, his hand resting on his cheek where she'd kissed him.

"Hmm?" Jack said, not really paying attention. That Frank had been beautiful, and smart and wise and winsome. He wondered if she went in for the dark broody type.

"It's time to plan a wedding!" Schuyler said.

"Oh, right." Jack said. He wondered if Frank would come.

**Your opening shows great promise, and yet flashy**

**purple**** patches; as when describing**

**a sacred grove, or the altar of Diana,**

**or a stream meandering through fields,**

**or the river Rhine, or a rainbow;**

**but this was not the place for them. If you can realistically render**

**a cypress tree, would you include one when commissioned to paint**

**a sailor in the midst of a shipwreck?**

**--Horace, **_**Ars Poetica**_


End file.
